I went to church twice today…I had several thoughts as the day progressed…

I left for so many reasons after a long, thoughtful ,and agonizing journey of asking and risking the questions–questions that continue to reside deep within me.  I left, and vowed never to return.  I left after completing both a bachelor’s and master’s degree in Theology.  I left after falling in love with the liturgy of the Episcopal church.  I left after being asked to be a prioress of an intentional community.  I left after thinking that I would follow thru with ordination.  I listened to a clergy person tell me that its important for women to be ordained, though I never felt called to ordination.  I felt called to scholarship and the vocation of teaching, but I started an ordination process…it did not end favorably.  Today, I am ok with that.  At the time, however, I was unclear at what was actually happening and how I was being affected.  I continued on my route to scholarship, and today, I find it very fulfilling, though challenging and difficult.  I am compelled to learn, compelled to be a ‘good translator’ of the things I learn.  Today, I’ve also found myself returning to the very place that I once called “home.”  Its the space and place where I first understood myself as a self.  It was a space of radical openings for me; space that was home and sacred.  I’ve returned to that space as of late…attempting to root myself in community that fights injustices on every front, cares radically for each person in severely tangible ways, and calls for my best self.  It was just today that I recognized the depth of life that this community gives me, and the ways in which it continues to call me to live a compelling and livable life.  I’m grateful for this community, and the liturgy that invites me to reflect thoughtfully on the Holy.  Its also a community that takes living the way of Jesus seriously, and that perhaps has been the best piece of this community.